Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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