So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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