the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
