Pappa wants mamma naked
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
