So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
