I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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