Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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