when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
