I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
