You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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