Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
