So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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