I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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