I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
