you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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