oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
