Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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