I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
