toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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