omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
