Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sext me about skeletons
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
