Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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