o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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