if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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