I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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