Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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