right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
