I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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