How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
