guys are only as good as the porn they watch
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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