I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
