i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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