It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize