Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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