So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
