i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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