totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
