I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
