Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
