I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
