Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
