Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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