Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
