So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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