So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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