Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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