I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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