there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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