You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
