Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
