I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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