so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
