You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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