I cannot find my penis.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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