oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
