eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
