why didn't you poke me back
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
