Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
