You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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