she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
