I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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