One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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